Did God Really Say Bald is the new “clean” look?

Yes … yes he did.

Sort of.

What God said was this: “When a man has lost his hair and is bald, he is clean. If he has lost his hair from the front of his scalp and has a bald forehead, he is clean. But if he has a reddish-white sore on his bald head or forehead, it is an infectious disease.”Leviticus 13:40-42

So if every hair on your head is numbered, as Christ claimed (Luke 12:7), and all your hairs are missing, take it as confirming sign from God that you are clean. You will still need to shower and bathe, but you can skip the shampoo and rinse.